Church of the Oneesiah Inquisitor Retinue (2011/12)

Lolicon heretic making an offering of penance to fellow Oneesiah Inquisitor

There’s only so much singular Inquisitors, working alone, can do in the endless war against heretics who proclaim the primacy of the Imouto over the Oneechan and against disbelievers in the glory of Yuri. To better smite my enemies, I’m recruiting a retinue to assist me.

While many Oneechan-type characters have excellent CVs, this recruitment list gives precedence to those who have been recently active, appearing in anime that have aired between Fall of 2011 and Summer of 2012. Diversity is important too so all will be from different anime, i.e. not more than one from each anime. Ability to work as part of a team is also especially valued.

Oh that glorious bob cut

First up is Hanekawa Tsubasa, from Nisemonogatari (Winter 2012), who fills the appointment of Intelligence Chief and Negotiator. Good intel is the basis of good operations. I also prefer to win battles without having to use (non-verbal) violence if I can. Tsubasa doesn’t know everything but what she does know is pretty much everything. If she doesn’t, she has an uncanny ability to find out, like the way she located the elusive Kaiki Denshuu. A perfect complement to her intelligence gathering prowess and intelligent mind is her ability to get what she wants from others by talking to them. She was able to efficiently and ruthlessly handle notoriously stubborn characters like getting Senjougahara Hitagi to release Araragi Koyomi and then stopping Koyomi from further questioning Karen with just a few words. Probably my favourite character voiced by Horie Yui.

Her fellow EW Specs can see beyond her specs

The role of Electronic Warfare Specialist goes to Coorie, from Bodacious Space Pirates (Winter/Spring 2012), if Captain Kato Marika will ever release her from service onboard the Bentenmaru. I would rely on her to provide secure communications between members of this Inquisitor’s retinue, to coordinate us tactically as well as to hack into enemy systems to dig up dirt and, when the time comes, to interfere with their computers. She was the linchpin of such efforts in the combined pirate fleet that went against the pirate-hunting Galactic Pirate ship Grand Cross and her ‘other‘ look (as well as unusual role by Horie Yui) certainly qualifies her for bishoujo status.

Let’s go a few rounds of hammer and tongs

Not all our enemies can be redeemed with words or code so before I get onto my top choices for fighting types, I also want to make sure that our weaponry will get proper maintenance, something that is often neglected but, comes to the fore, particularly when stuff malfunctions or a quick fix is needed. The retinue smith would be Lisbeth, from Sword Art Online (Summer 2012). She may be somewhat impulsive and lacks combat experience but, given the right materials, her smithy has turned out the Dark Repulsor, almost equivalent to the Elucidator, the Demon class monster drop sword that is Kirito’s main weapon. What I’ve seen of her encounter against the crystal-eating dragon of Aincard’s Level 55 may leave much to be desired but, as a master macer, she should be able to at least defend herself until help arrives. Also her Takagaki Ayahi-fuelled outbursts (pokki pokki!), pink hair, freckles and her red/white armour combi is so cute.

Tie me up, tie me down

Bel Peol, from Shakugan no Shana Final (Fall 2011), would get the same job that she had in the now dissolved Bal Masque: Chief of Staff and Strategist. Besides good intel and good logistics, I appreciate a good planner whose calculations can anticipate and then forestall the efforts of the enemy. Her backup may have been jacked by Majorie Daw but ultimately it was up to her boss, the Serpent of the Festival, whether or not to go with the hacks. Her insight as well as evenhandedness and even-temperedness made her an indispensable (and only surviving) member of the Trinity. Besides scheming, the Arbiter of Reverse Reasoning is also a formidable adversary in combat, using the weighed chain Treasure Tool Tartaros which also has the handy ability to sever the link between cause and effect – never again while I have to listen to the sound of catgirls being killed by God as xkcd types try to assert real physics in anime (I will make an exception and tolerate discussions on the physics of the breast bounce). I certainly prefered Bel Peol when she had her third eye blind but one can’t begrudge the loss of her patch and she sounds fabulous as always, voiced by that doyen of Oneechan, Ohara Sayaka. And pink hair!

Bind us together, Tonbokiri!

My penultimate choice is all samurai and all sexy, the warrior who can take on 500 of the Fairy Queen of England’s guards on her own and who has bested the greatest of the West, Tachibana Muneshige – Honda Futayo, from Horizon on the Middle of Nowhere II (Summer 2012). She’s not the brightest bulb in the room but this is because her upbringing has been a long and thorough training session in the art of the spear, exemplified by her creative and victorious uses of Tonbokiri in her battle against Tachibana Gin. Her killer bod (pun intended) has got one of the more balanced busts too (relatively speaking in the world of KyoukaiSen). The fact that she’s voiced by the inimitable Kobayashi Yuu means that her yelling and battle cries are sweet music to my ears and when she’s being shy and coy, the moe melts my bones but firms my boner. Thus I will also strive to personally educate her on what ‘sex’ means. Fifty times is ok but maybe not on a live broadcast.

Fan the flames of my passion

The final pick is also the pink haired retinue commander, Signum, from Nanoha The Movie 2nd A’s (Summer 2012). She has ample experience in small unit operations, having served as head of the Wolkenritter and as sub-commander of Riot Force Six’s Lightning Squad. The Knight of the Sword and General of the Raging Fire brings additional combat prowess to the team, having never been decisively beaten even by Nanoha or Fate. Her primary weapon, Laevateinn, can overwhelm and shatter lesser weapons in sword form. It also gives her versatility in medium range with its Schlangebeißen chain sword form and at long range with Sturmfalken fired from its bow form. Her Unison form with Agito also brings additional powers to the table. She can be intensely loyal, to the point that she would forsake her knight’s honor in an attempt to save her Master’s life. Her initial cold exterior and reticence also reveals great passion and warmth in her heart, probably the greatest kuudere role played another veteran, Shimizu Kaori.

With such a group watching my back and spearheading my fight, the unending battle against the teeming hordes of the loli imouto heresy looks a little less daunting.

[meta note: Post grew out thinking about a response to Fencedude's reply to this tweet by Stilts]

10 thoughts on “Church of the Oneesiah Inquisitor Retinue (2011/12)

  1. You would love to be BDSM’ed by Belpeol using Tartaros wouldn’t you. :P

    1. Considering she did that for Sairei no Hebi, I’d say it’s part of her job description ;)

  2. >No Kimi

    That shocking omission aside, thats a hell of a team you’ve assembled.

    Also, Futayo and Signum together? I don’t think there is any force that could stand before that combo.

    1. From Horizon, it was really between Kimi or Futayo. Although the former has beaten the latter and is all kinds of awesome, I was so impressed by Futayo’s fight against Gin and also loved the idea of her working with Signum.

      1. How so? She’s an only child and, at least physically, she couldn’t be more far away from the standard loli imouto archetype.

  3. it is a issue of guidance.

    a Oneesan type is able to guild and take care of others.

    Futayo however still relies on others for guidance.

    1. That’s an excellent point re: qualities of an Oneesan.

      Futayo got completely guided by Kimi-neechan in the first season but her judgment this season has been much better and she’s been able to fight for her Princess without much guidance so while not quite Oneesan yet, imho she’s out of imouto territory.

      1. Yes but Masazumi’s guidance was pretty crap though (even if it did lead to that hilarous exchange/misunderstanding with Gin).

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