hontou ni sou omou?

Hi, I’m Keiichi Maebara. I’ve just transferred to the picturesque little town of Hinamizawa and share a class with many pretty and even lolicious girls. As it seems that I am the only male of any consequence, this looks like it’s going to be a harem anime! Sure enough, class monitor Mion tries to set me up with Rena. A real cutie except that her Talia Gladys hairstyle bugs me a bit.

Things have started to get a little weird after a roaming photographer who’s going to be murdered along with his girlfriend told me that Rena has had four boyfriends in the past four years and all of them have died horrible deaths after making fun of her hairstyle. Later Rena and Mion both claimed that Rena has never had any boyfrends in the past and that nothing has happened in this happy peaceful loli-filled village.

Until I found documentary evidence of a murder of a schoolboy about my age. Who was dismembered into six parts. Then Rena shows up with this huge Orkish meat cleaver. Nasty hook attachment included. She then tells me that she used to part-time as a butcher’s assistant.

Detective Oishi tells me in private that the past four murders have nothing in common except that they were all dating Rena and all made fun of her hairstyle. The police are stumped as to who the culprit could possibly be. I find a name, Satoshi, in club game cards and ask Rena about him. When I accused her of not telling me the truth - as it is hard to believe that such a cute gal would have been single for long - about her ex-boyfriends, she in turn accuses me of thinking that her hairstyle looks like Talia Gladys.

When I denied it, she screeched about how I was lying. How did she turn the tables like that? More importantly, how did she know I thought her hairstyle looks like Talia Gladys’ and is soooo stooopid to boot!?

Later as I was in my room, complaining to Detective Oishi about Rena’s psycho outburst and how she really reeeeeally has a silly Talia Gladys hairdo, my dad’s interruption with tea reveals that Rena had been listening to my teleconversation. Oh nooooes!! She has now heard me making fun of her hairstyle! And Mion also seems to be in on this.

Totally freaked out, I play traunt but Rena and Mion arrive on my doorstep to confront me in a really obtuse sort of way about my making fun of Rena’s hairstyle behind their backs. Mion, in particular, really wants to be a successful matchmaker for her good friend Rena and is even more psycho than Talia Rena about the whole thing.

And I find a needle in the food they’ve given me! WTF!? Don’t girls know how to cook anymore!? If I do marry Rena, does it mean that there will be needles in my dinner everyday!? Assumming I don’t get hacked to pieces for making fun of her hairstyle.

After taking a self-defence measure, Rena finally admits that she used to date Satoshi and she doesn’t want to lose me like the way she lost him. She presses me on the Talia Gladys hairstyle thing again. I just can’t tell her that she doesn’t look like Talia Gladys with a straight face because she so obviously has the same hairstyle! The two pointy ends at the sides of her face are just ceaselessly broadcast Minerva bridge commands into my brain everytime I look at them!

Rena comes to the house. Again. Bringing another one of her delicious dinners. I’m not really hungry for needles so I tell her thanks but no thanks. But why won’t some girls take “No” for an answer? She then starts the thing about how I don’t like her because I think her hairstyle is weird. Well, it is weird, isn’t it?

Later Oishi tells me that before Rena transferred to Hinamizawa, she had three male classmates that she was close to. Man, she had a harem back before Hinamizawa! But then she found out that they were teasing her about her hairstyle. GSD had just started to air around then, you see. She went berserk and attacked them with a baseball bat before breaking all the glass in the school. Damn, some girls are really sensitive about their looks. When Mion magically found out about Oishi telling me this, she started plotting his grisly death. She sounds like a demonic yazuka or something. Why the hell is she so set on getting Rena a boyfriend anyway?

Rena ambushes me at the woods along the way home. With that meat cleaver again. She says that all the boys who said that her hairstyle looks like Talia Gladys all transferred away. Apparently that’s code for going missing or being hacked into pieces. Somehow next to that meat cleaver, my baseball bat looks decidedly puny. Where are all those heavy firearms when you need them? When I told Rena that she could just a new hair style and be happy, she seemed very happy. Very very happy. Great, problem solved.

Rena and Mion come over to the house again but they tell me that I should love Rena for who she is and to accept her looks - that if I don’t want to be hacked into little pieces, that I never make fun of her hairstyle. And to accept that Rena’s favourite cooking ingredient is needles. And to accept Mion’s constant intrusion and intimidation to ensure that I’m treatin’ Rena right. And to liv in constant fear of that meat cleaver. NOOOOESSS!! What happened to my small town harem paradise!?

After they try to inject me with a love potion that will make me love Rena’s hairstyle and never mention the name of Talia Gladys, I acted totally in self-defence. Maybe I over-reacted but they were so psycho and I’ve been fearing for my life in the past three episodes - over an honest opinion over a hairstyle.

"If you are reading this, then I will be dead. There are people who want me dead. I don’t know who or why but I’m sure that Rena and Mion are part of the group. *torn portion* And for fuck’s sake, someone PLZZZZZ get Rena a better haircut and fix Mion up with her own boyfriend so she won’t have to validate herself by matchmaking Rena.

Keiichi Maebara

P.S. I reeeeally wanted to put a ZAFT captain’s cap on Rena and have her shout “FIRE!” while leaning forward in her chair."